The active journey to release complacency and complicity to self harm
If I had one thing to say about the last five years, and the various spiritual awakenings that I have endured, the various panic attacks, and moments where I have given up. If I were to talk about the moments I bowed out of reality, and asked God to take me away from this “horrid place”, called Earth. If I were to sum up the pain, the realisations of past traumas, how people I held near and dear, did nothing but look me in the face, to hurt me, with purpose. If I were to reclaim these last five years as anything; I would say they were part of the journey of understanding my prior complacency and complicity to self harm. I was in a battle of myself against myself, and in this fifth year, I can say that I have won! In fact, I can say it has not just been five years, but my whole life. Ever since I was a young girl, I could remember that I was complicit and complacent to self harm. Though some of that harm may have come from others, I accepted it, with open arms, without knowing any better. Without question, I accepted and allowed others to shame me, tell me I was not black enough, not woman enough, not…enough.
I allowed those with insecurities to transfer blame, to transfer self hatred into hatred onto myself because I was myself. An affront to some, who didn’t accept me living as my true self. I was too confident and I was not idealising the status quo as a way to be. Eventually, I knew that I was not myself any longer, because so often, I was told not to be myself. And I was fighting internally. This was the fight that became the struggle of my life without understanding or awareness. This is the struggle that happened generationally, in past lives, and was on a soul level. This is the fight that I imagine resonates with other black women, who were told not to live as themselves. Their power was too loud, their hair and skin too black, too ugly, their voices, too angry. I felt, if I lived as myself I would be judged. If I lived in my skin, I would be hated. If I lived empowered, I would be belittled. And so it were, whether it came from my own kin or came from society, or individuals; I took on those opinions of myself and I fought myself. My higher self wanted something better for me, and I, accepting other people’s opinions and desires as my own, wanted nothing more than what I thought I could get. And what I got was not love or understanding.
Love does not hurt, love is non judgemental, love does not tell one to stay in their box, or to stay in their lane. Love is not critical, it is not cruel, and it does not gaslight you. There are no lies in love. And, therefore, on a larger scale, I do not feel loved or have felt real love. Not by society, not by members of my kin, and not by some people, in my past, who have claimed to be my lovers and friends. You cannot say, “Yes! I love you but you must change, you must conform, you must vow to be different, to be better, to be more like me!” No, I cast that away as not love at all.
“But,” you may say, “why speak about love when we are not all meant to be loved by everyone?” I speak of love because what else do we have if not for it? What else connects us as human beings if not for love? Don’t tell me kindness exists in a world, without love, don’t tell me compassion does either. Don’t tell me empathy, sympathy, and care does. We may not always be in search of, or be connected by true love, or romantic love, but care, kindness, understanding, and acceptance are reminisces, and reminders of love. And society, as a construct, kin, individuals who deem themselves as friends and lovers, have not loved me, nor have loved themselves. And that is the issue right there. We live in a world with all these dysfunctional people who do not love themselves, and they want to blame, throw guilt, judge, or chastise others and mask that as concern, care, or kindness; their own warped versions of love. But the truth is that they do not love themselves, so how do they know love; and how do they give it? If they do not know how to show that emotion and engage that value for themselves and in themselves, how can they show that to others? How can we, as a collective, show that to the many and not the few? It cannot and has not been done on a wide scale. And I too, have been in that position.
I hated myself pretty much all throughout my life. The judgement and the anger I had for myself was projected onto others. I was in a place where projecting my own hate hurt less, and I could survive more. So, it became really a survival tactic. We hate ourselves and we throw our complacency and complicity to self harm onto others. So, we, as the collective, don’t have to deal with that burden all by ourselves. It is painful, and some of us could not survive the realisation. I too, at one point, didn’t think I could survive it. I was in mental, emotional, and spiritual turmoil to think my pain was mostly the pain that I created, took on, or accepted. I allowed harmful, negative entities to ruin the image, or the person I thought I was. What was even more painful of a realisation, is to see that I was not the person who I thought was. I was not always loving, kind, or caring. I was not always just showing genuine concern for others. I could be extremely judgmental, hateful, jealous, and cruel. I had those flaws, massive flaws, that were not who I wanted to be. I had to reconcile with that painful reality before I discovered self love and acceptance.
But the difference is, and what I have come to understand about myself, is that I chose a different way forward. I decided to cease and desist my own self harm. My decision led me to finding the source of the self harm and to work through why, what, how, and when it all began. I have then taken the time to actively work to change the negative patterns that have defined my own existence. And what has led me to today, is the decision to stop holding others’ mirrors to my own self image. I wish only now to let go of the insecurities of society, my kin, the structures, and the powers at be, and release myself from their shackles; and learn to no longer survive in a world based on self harm, and the transference of, but of self love.
So, as I awaken even more, and see the world anew, I know nothing more than this new found freedom, power, and love. I no longer wish to drink the tainted nectar of opinions from people and places that are, or once have, shown hate and judgment masked as “concern”; or, transference of their own pain, masked as “love”. I wish no more to be sucked energetically by empty vessels, internally struggling to rectify the self hate they feel. I don’t believe in others’ convictions about me, because I have my own convictions that I believe, and hold dear in my soul.
Finally, I leave with this thought:
Power is a construct, one that can be self developed and deployed. I choose to develop mine and live. Live for the first time in 20+ years, live for myself, live for the wants and needs of only mine, and not others. I choose my current self, above all former images of self, because this self is honest, alive, mindful, and mine to define. In order for all of us to reach true power, we must let go of the atrocities of self harming, seek true self love, learn what love means individually, and share and enact that with others. Let us all let go of the convictions of others, as those that can be falsely defined as our own. Let us know ourselves, by ourselves, and formulate our own visions of new ways of being, with freedom, empowerment, and love.