Red Flags On The Play: A Guide To Knowing Your Standards In Dating
A personal dating fail and tips to help you choose better partners.
This is a relatively old article that I dug up from the grave of my Google drive account, but still holds much relevance today. I wrote it back in 2017 / 2018 when I was returning from a very “interesting” year of my life in Australia. I share it for those who may be struggling with dating and getting what you deserve out of that process. As you approach your next relationship, apply the exercise at the end of this article to see if it helps you navigate the dating game a bit better, more prepared, and confident so that you can ensure that you get the partner that truly aligns and is most deserving of you. *Note: does include adult language*
Over the past year I have lived in Oz and dealt with some odd situationships, (odd being a nice way to put it). I have learned to develop certain coping mechanisms with fuckboisms and schisms that I experienced from that time. One of the ways I have learned to protect my inner Queen-of-Wands-like energy (i.e. my fiery femininity), from the trials and tribulations of dating “just ain’t shit” men is defining my standards early.
Before I go into why defining standards early on has you reclaiming your time (Maxine Waters); I should probably give a little back story on how I came to see flaws in my dating game by using one of my early Aussie “situationships”, as a case study.
The Back Story
I started really getting into dating apps in Sydney upon moving there late last year. Being newly single I was in a mad dash to find someone to fill the void and represent all the qualities my ex-boyfriend didn’t have; thinking that was going to lead to a fulfilling relationship. BIG MISTAKE.
I started dating this Sydney “Establishment” boi with all the elements that said ex-boyfriend lacked, such as having: ambition, similar family backgrounds, a good job, and stable income. I totally disregarded all the various, monumental red flags that were flying out left, right, and center because he represented an image of what I thought I wanted; simply because he represented a version of not my ex-boyfriend.
Side Note: I simply focused on the negative qualities of my last partnership, attempting to avoid them, without considering all the good qualities he exhibited that I would like in all future partners. This is partly why you should never date on a rebound or without first, truly getting over your ex. But I digress…
To my surprise at the time it did not work out, thinking it had to do with the fact that I was not good enough for him; when really he did not fit the type of person I should have been with in the first place. This man was:
- Enthralled in his own whiteness:
He had never really dated or had real friendships with Black people. Therefore, his worldview was completely enthralled in “whiteness”.
Whiteness as a social construct: one that allows a group of people to feel, think, and act superior or reap benefits socially, culturally, and/or financially simply by virtue of their lack of melanin.
Though he showed general interest in the topics of socio-political issues surrounding race, i.e. police brutality, institutionalized racism, and racialized sexual harassment, that is unique to women of color; he saw those things as a concept that only plagued the United States. He made several comments about other races and Indigenous Australian Blacks that would reflect a total lack of awareness to those same issues plaguing Australia, or even those plaguing his own worldview.
2. Seeking a “Black girl experience”:
When we dated, he seemed almost weekly in conflict with himself and what was expected of him in his social group. Things would be going really well, and then he would ruin it by criticizing me and becoming distant. He would gaslight me with such criticisms as I was needy, overly emotional, and dramatic when I would question why his behaviors towards our relationship were so inconsistent. He would constantly say this was because he was not “ready for a relationship”. When really, he was not ready for a relationship with a Black woman; since it was not too soon after we stopped seeing each other, he started seriously dating someone who reflected much of his social circle.
What should have been clear as bloody day to me that this white man was seeking a “Black girl experience”; was simply me thinking his regularly commentary on my race was banter or even being flirtatious. When really he would incessantly bring up my race when referring to me or make “jokes” about my race. Not offensive enough to be overt racism, but would most definitely tick the box of microaggression. Its clear now that his interest solely relied on getting to “experience” a “Black girl”; rather than getting to know me as a person.
3. Not interested in commitment from the beginning:
To elaborate further on the above, he was in no way committed to the idea or the execution of becoming my boyfriend. We had been dating only for a couple of weeks and he had already made the decision that he wanted nothing more than a situationship by saying that he did not want a girlfriend. Now he colored it with every [enter tired fuckboi excuse here]; claiming that he may be (but not really) ready for one in the future. However, his constant shifting, inconsistent, and often distant behavior slowed down that path to commitment. A great example of this would be: one week he wanted me to come with him to meet his family in his hometown; and the next he almost acted as if he never said that to me. It made me feel crazy!
I stupidly thought this would change and this behavior would level out, once he really got to know me. But, the rub was, he never really wanted to, or took the time to get to know the real me, and see me as a human with feelings and emotions that had nothing to do with my race!
In the first several weeks of anything, a guy who really wants to be with you will always be open to the idea of a relationship with you. There are no ifs, ands, buts, about it. If they are already saying they don’t seek a relationship with you, RUN!, because he is about to waste your time. It doesn’t matter what he says or does after, he has already given you the signal that this is never going to be anything more than a casual ting.
4. Did not hold a safe, supportive space for me:
Upon reflection, there was one particular incident in our situationship that stood out to me the most that should have been a huge sign that this person was exceptionally wrong for me. We were out one night in our respective friend groups and I met one of his friends. At first we were having a banterous conversation about why his friend could not get a girlfriend. I made a comment along the lines that he couldn’t get one because of his “tired” outfit, and it must have been a soft spot for him. He quickly turned what was a friendly, jokey, conversation into a full blown attack on me and “American girls”, more generally. He became vulgar and sexist, saying that he “fucks” American girls who seem to like his outfits “all the time”, go figure. Then, said that he “fucked my mother the other day” (completely verbatim).
I, of course, blew up, because them’s fighting words, and retaliated, calling him everything under the sun, including a see you next Tuesday. The worst part of the whole incident was the guy I was supposedly dating said nothing to his friend and said that I was acting “common” (again, exact words), and that, “[He] would never stick up for a girl against [his] friends no matter how much he liked her.” (Again, EXACT WORDS).
Every relationship and situationship I can remember worth a toss has been incidences where the guy I was seeing had protected me from other men. That includes incidences where: their friends were being all too familiar with me, like in this example, or in incidences of sexual harassment. Instead, this guy was more worried about what his friends thought, than protecting the woman he happened to be involved with. (I cringe now thinking of the fact that I stayed talking to this man even after this incident).
The Moral Of The Story
From what I can deduce of my then rose-colored psyche, is that all the positive qualities my ex had were totally thrown out the window; because I was only considering a slither of what I thought I wanted. But as I now outline these behaviors as red flags, I realize that I failed to see them as a true reflection of who this person was. But instead, I then read these red flags as a separate, minute, series of unfortunate events.
Over time, I have thought more about this situation and others with potential mates, and considered this: if I had just defined all of what I wanted from the very beginning, I would have saved myself A LOT of heartache and time.
Defining ones’ standards should not simply be defining what you don’t want from the previous experiences or partners. It should be an all encompassing list of qualities and characteristics that would make you feel safe, supported, and loved as a human being. This means: KNOW THYSELF QUEEN/KING! It is about knowing your core beliefs, interests, characteristics, values and finding someone who shares those similarities and willing to meet you halfway.
It is also a matter of being real with oneself. If you are not an active person and most weekends, you can barely be bothered to get out of bed; but, you want this super vital partner; that may be a bit unrealistic. Define your standards around what seems relevant to you and who you are; or at least who you are working to be.
As an additive to all of this, DO NOT WAIVER ON YOUR STANDARDS! This means if you notice red flags, just because he/she is fine, has a good income, or has other qualities you find intriguing, does not mean you can allow these bad qualities to slide.
Now you do the work:
- Think and write down of all the qualities you want in a partner and all the qualities you don’t want in a partner.
- Think about all the qualities you have to offer a partner and see if they align to what you want. (Again, know thyself; be honest and real with yourself on whether you meet your own standards.)
- If you do not meet the standards to what it is you want to attract, work on yourself so that you can meet those standards. Do the inner work.
- Consider all the qualities that you don’t want, think about how those qualities would make you feel if you were with someone who had those bad behaviors or characteristics.
- Remember that feeling so you can anchor to it later on if you meet someone displaying those qualities.
- Consider if someone had all the good qualities and characteristics you want, how would that make you feel?
- Remember that feeling so you can anchor to it later on, so you can choose the right person for you.
- AGAIN, do NOT waiver from your standards.
- Know that you deserve everything that you want and need in a partner.
