What I Learned From Living With Anxiety For Over 20 Years
Normalizing and managing anxiety with four major lessons
Anxiety has been a part of my life since puberty. It almost felt like constant thoughts of confusion, frustration, and worry hit me all at once back then. I had periods where I felt a loss of control over my thoughts and feelings. I felt panicked, immobile, tired, and stressed. Things just always seemed worse than what they actually were. Now as an adult, those feelings flow in like waves, ranging in extremity. I usually still, everyday, hear the background chatter of thoughts and fears of worst case scenarios.
I used to think if I could just get rid of this “weakness” I had, I could create more, think better, and live a more “normal” life. This, I guess, was my first mistaken belief.
Lesson 1: Accepting anxiety as a part of my life
I am no psychologist; and I don’t think my one psych class, freshman year of college counts either. But from what I do know is that whether taking ongoing prescribed medication or practising any holistic approach; one can’t cure their anxiety disorder. I think it is a chronic disorder similar to any chronic disorder of the body. One has to live with anxiety the best way they know how to.
Believe me, I have tried. I have practised, and continue to do so, everything holistic under the sun (and even some non-holistic things without further incriminating myself): meditation, yoga, Theta Healing, ongoing therapy, Reiki, Kambo, etc.
I have yet to find one thing that has completely wiped away my anxiety fully. It has lessened over the years, I can even go longer periods without feeling extreme anxiety or panic. But, it is incessant.
At this point, I think it is a part of me. The more I have learned to accept it as part of my life’s journey, the better I have been able to feel. I have essentially lessened my anxiety about having anxiety!
Lesson 2: Outcomes do the opposite of driving anxiety away
We are oftentimes inundated with advertising purporting that we can control our happiness and comfortability with just the purchasing of things. Or, we are told, if we just get a nice house with a white picket fence and a dog, life is a dream….(much like the “American Dream”). Our society is very much built on the acquisition of outcomes, otherwise capitalism wouldn’t work.
I have spent the better part of my 20+ years living with anxiety, thinking I could hyper control the anxiety away with outcomes. I would think, if I could just get that next great job, live in that new country, have this apartment, I would free myself of worry.
None of these things worked, because when I got them, I just kept moving the dial again, pushing for their enhanced versions. Running after outcomes became a vicious cycle. At no point did I take time to consider that maybe I should have just accepted myself for where I was at, anxiety ridden and all.
It was not until my therapist suggested I read Man’s Search For Meaning By Victor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and existential psychiatrist, did I have a change of heart, or mind, I suppose. I learned that searching for outcomes was meaningless. If I wanted to control my anxiety, it was for me to change my attitude about it and change the way I interpret those feelings. I shouldn’t look to run away from those feelings, but accept them as they are and as they come; and, more importantly, to accept myself for having them.
Lesson 3: It’s ok to be uncomfortable
Let’s be honest, who likes to be uncomfortable all the time? Who likes a mind that constantly runs, wonders, and is in a perpetual state of worry? I’m sure no one. I would imagine anyone’s first instinct is to run away from their mind as fast as they could.
That’s exactly what I did. Over the years I had to constantly distract myself with things: social media (which, bad idea), information overload, exercise, even alcohol. I tried anything just to stay out of my own head. I didn’t want to sit in the un-comfortability that is anxiety or panic. I thought hyper controlling my out of control thoughts, would make me feel more in control. Whelp, it didn’t.
After years of spiritual work and therapy, I taught myself to replace my hyper controlling responses and distractions with: acceptance and getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. I learned to sit and be silent in the times of intense worry, with no distractions. I meditated, practised yoga, or wrote what I was feeling. I allow those feelings to be felt, expressed, and realised fully, so that they can be released and let go of faster.
This was probably, by far, one of the hardest lessons to learn. But it was only through honouring these moments and not rushing to change or control them, was I able to better manage them.
Lesson 4: I can be a whole person living with anxiety
Maybe this is my interpretation, but there still seems to be some stigma around the subject of mental health. Mindsets seem to be slowly changing around this topic, but there still seems to be some negative beliefs attached to people who suffer from mental health disorders. This is particularly true for the Black community. I grew up where mental disorders weren’t seen as a real problem. If you claimed to have a mental disorder you were just “crazy”. It was even seen as an excuse for not being able to “toughen” up and deal with “real” life.
I grew up with a closed minded father who thought exactly that. He thought seeing a psychiatrist was completely unnecessary. He thought I just needed structure and punishment. Seeking therapy was weak; making excuses for why I couldn’t deal with my life, made me weaker. He would tell me: life is hard. I needed to just deal with that reality, and get over it. Little did he consider that living with anxiety made that 100x harder; and, trying to will it away by trying not to be so “weak”, made that infinitely harder. Luckily, I had a mother who supported my therapy and holistic healing journey at a early age.
Eventually, I learned to not beat myself up for having anxiety, which actually helped me relieve some of my anxiety. I stopped worrying about whether I looked weak or broken to others; and just started to choose to accept, love, and give myself a bit of grace. Through this change in behaviour, I actually learned to deal with how “hard” life could be, and could manage it better.
Moral of the story is:
Anxiety is real and having it doesn’t make anyone less than “normal”. There is nothing outside of ourselves that can cure it. Through fully accepting ourselves, sitting with those uncomfortable feelings, and maintaining healthy healing practises; can we then start to manage it.
